Spaces

 

Sometimes we constantly try to fulfill spaces we do not exist in and in the end it just complicates our lives……we should maybe just live where we are…….

A few days ago I was totally consumed  by a space I could for the life of it not identify . It left me with a constant question mark. The worst was I could neither find myself in it. I suppose it is all part of this constant search for happiness and how to make it last. All I can say is the only familiarity to it was the strangeness. Not being able to name it created a sense of frustration because if you don’t know what something is it is hard to identify it, let alone  put a name to it. So there I was, uncertain, frustrated and totally not in control. Once I realised that I was not in control I someone started to take this space apart and slowly bit by bit I figured it out. I remarked to someone that I have all the pieces to put this new year together but no manual to get it all started. That was it I needed an igniting moment and that was what prevented me from not only starting but as well as being able to recognise this unlabelled space. How often especially when you have this creative mind and personality, do we just sit and wait for something to happen before we actually start performing our creative skills? At least that is what I do. You know what? Waiting is not the answer. There isn’t something that is going to happen waiting for it. NO!!!!! You have to make it happen by simply turning the key for the engine to be ignited and then the rest will happen. For sure not at once. Bit by bit.

I created my blogging space almost two years ago. Somehow I stopped and by doing so I, yes no one else, created a space in time consisting of nothing. This unfamiliar place that nearly drove me insane climbing walls and leaving me crying from my soul , because I was not in control.

Then out of the blue after a couple of days of awful empty breaking myself down feelings that only left me kind of worthless unaccomplished and totally sad, I realised the secret. The secret is me , it always has and always will be. Yes it’s only me, not someone or something, it’s me. So I think I am done waiting. I have to make it happen. I have to construct my life, my happiness, my dreams, my creativity, my selfworth. Anything else will simply be complementary. Additional and extensive.

So to get back to my statement of the spaces we try to fulfill where we don’t exist in vs living where we are. Certain things we can not change. For instance. I am here. I am not somewhere else. I am not with someone who is not here with me. I for the moment stand alone, on my own. People who want to be part of my life will make the effort to be part of my life. Why should I wreck myself trying to convince someone to be part of my life if I have given them enough reason to want me in theirs. And that is the spaces I am referring to. How often don’t we waste time and energy and happiness wanting to be where we are not. Imagining that which appear not to be reality, that which is a dream that will never realise and then we look beyond the dream to be at hand. How often do we return and then that too has passed or slipped away?

I don’t want to try and fulfill spaces where I dont exist in , anymore or any longer. I have to live here, now and on my own. I have to put the key in the ignition and when that engine starts up, I have to move along  or else I will once again stay behind in a space consisting of nothing.

So this is where I am now. Writing in this blogging space. Voicing that which I need to voice so that I can feel I have said it and to stop constantly looking for someone to listen, someone on who I am wasting my precious time and abilities on. Someone who will never return what I give.

I am here And I will live life where I am now. I am done waiting for something to happen . The hard truth is, it’s happening write now. Every letter I am typing is evidence that I am living and I am living my life here.